What time does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon?

tennishQ: What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?
A: Tennish.

Q: How did the hipster burn his mouth?
A: He ate his dinner before it was cool.

Q: How many Vietnam veterans does it take to screw in a light-bulb?
A: YOU DON’T KNOW MAN! YOU WEREN’T THERE!!

Q: What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
A: Philippe Philoppe.

Q: What did the buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor?
A: “Make me one with everything.”

The monk then handed the hotdog vendor $20 and after waiting for a moment, asked for his change.
The vendor looked at him and said, “Change comes from within.”

The monk then pulls a gun from his robe and demands his money.
The vendor says “Christ, whatever happened to inner peace?”
So the monk gestures at his gun and says “This is my inner piece.”

Real Funny Dumb Laws Around the World

1. In Oklahoma, you can be arrested for making ugly faces at a dog.. 2. In Salt Lake County, Utah, it’s illegal to walk down the street carrying a violin in a paper bag.
3. In San Francisco, it’s illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.
4. In Devon, Texas, it is against the law to make furniture while you are nude.
5. In Bozeman, Montana, a law prohibits all sexual activity from the front yard of a home after sundown.
6. In California it is illegal for a vehicle without a driver to exceed 60 miles per hour. (that would be one clever trick)
7. In Florida men seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown can be fined.
8. In South Carolina it is legal to beat your wife on the court house steps on Sundays.
9. In Tennessee, you are breaking the law if you drive while sleeping.
10. In New York, the penalty for jumping off a building is: Death.
11. In Danville, Pennsylvania, all fire hydrants must be checked one hour before all fires.
12. In Connersville, Wisconsin, during sexual intercourse, it is against the law for a man to fire his gun whilst the woman in having an orgasm.
13. In Pennsylvania, it’s against the law to tie a dollar bill on a string on the ground and pull it away when someone tries to pick it up.
14. In New York City, it’s illegal for a restaurant to call a sandwich a “corned beef sandwich” if it’s made with white bread and mayonnaise.
15. In San Francisco, California it is unlawful to use used underwear to wipe off cars in a car wash.
16. In France, it is against the law to sell an “E.T” doll. They have a law forbidding the sale of dolls that do not have human faces.17. In Louisiana, biting someone with your natural teeth is considered “simple assault,” but biting someone with your dentures is “aggravated assault.”
18. In the state of Washington, it is illegal to have sex with a virgin under any circumstances. (Including the wedding night.)
19. In Switzerland, it is illegal for a man to relieve himself while standing up after 10pm.
20. In Florida, it is illegal to fart in a public place after 6 P.M. on Thursdays.
21. In Massachusetts, it is illegal to go to bed without first having a bath. (However, another law prohibits bathing on Sunday)
22. In Jidda, Saudi Arabia, women were banned from using hotel swimming pools in 1979.
23. In Samoa, it’s a crime to forget your own wife’s birthday.
24. In Alabama, prison guards are forbidden from referring to their spouses as “the old ball-n-chain.”
25. In London, England it is illegal for a City cab to carry rabid dogs or corpses.
26. In England, it is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament.
27. In England, it is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the Queen upside down.
28. In Los Angeles, CA it’s illegal for a waiter to tell a customer “I’m really an actor.”
29. In Indiana, it’s against the law to dress ‘Barbie’ in ‘Ken’s’ clothes.

30. In Sedona, Ariz., it’s illegal to lie about your astrological sign.
31. In Texas, it’s illegal to threaten somebody with an UNLOADED gun.
32. In Australia, it’s illegal to name any animal you plan to eat.
33. In Cannes, France, it’s illegal to wear a Jerry Lewis mask.
34. In New Jersey, answering a traffic cop who asks “Do you know why I pulled you over?” by saying,“If you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you” is an automatic $300 fine.
35. In York, it is legal to kill a Scotsman within the ancient city boundary, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow.
36. In London, it is illegal to flag down a taxi if you have the plague.
37. In Kentucky, it’s illegal to paint your lawn red.
38. In Portugal, it’s against the law to pee in the ocean.
39. In South Carolina unmarried women are not allowed to buy edible panties.
40. In Italy, anyone considered “obese” is forbidden from wearing polyester.
41. In Montana, it’s illegal to tear a phone book in half.
42. In California, anyone caught selling a “smoothie” that has lumps is breaking the law.
43. In Michigan, it is illegal to chain an alligator to a fire hydrant.
44. In Arkansas, it’s illegal for a woman getting married for the second time to wear a white wedding gown.
45. In Victoria. Australia after mid day on Sunday, it’s illegal to wear pink hot pants.
46. In Connecticut, night watchmen are forbidden from drinking decaf coffee while working.
47. In Kentucky, carrying ice cream cones in your pocket is illegal.
48. In International Falls, Minnesota, you can be fined if you let your dog chase a cat up a telegraph pole.
49. In Iowa, after 5 minutes of kissing you’re breaking the law.

sign funny
50. In Illinois, giving a lighted cigar to a pet is illegal.
51. In the USA- 24 states say that if your husband is impotent its grounds for a divorce. (Go Viagra!)
52. In Miami, Florida, imitating animals is illegal.
53. In Oxford, Ohio, a woman undressing in front of a picture of a man is breaking the law.
54. In Baltimore, Maryland, taking a lion to the cinema is illegal.
55. In Washington, pretending to have wealthy parents is illegal.
56. In Texas, if you are going to commit a crime, you legally have to give 24 hours notice to the police.
57. In South Dakota, It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory.
58. In Maryland, Randy Newman’s song ‘Short people’ is still banned on the radio.
59. In St. Louis, Missouri, if a woman is in her night clothes, it is illegal for a fireman to rescue her.
60. In Victoria, Australia, you need a licensed electrician to change a light bulb.
61. In France, it’s illegal to name a pig Napoleon.
62. In Indonesia, the punishment for masturbation is death by decapitation.
63. In San Salvador, drunk drivers can be sentenced to death by firing squad.
64. In Bahrain, male doctors only legally examine a woman’s genitals through a mirror.
65. In Providence, Rhode Island, selling tooth paste and a tooth brush to the same customer on a Sunday is illegal.
66. In Alexandria, Minneapolis, it is illegal for a man to have sexual intercourse with a woman with sardines on his breath.
67. In Singapore chewing gum is illegal.
68. In Arizona, hunting camels is against the law.
69. In North Carolina, it is illegal to swear in front of dead people.
70. In Florida having sexual intercourse with a porcupine is illegal. 71. In Burma it is against the law to access the Internet. Anyone doing so faces prison.
72. In Iowa, it is illegal for horses to eat fire hydrant.
73. In Vermont, a woman must get written permission from her husband to wear false teeth.
75. In Los Angeles, it is illegal to bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.
76. In Oklahoma, it is against the law to have a sleeping donkey in your bathtub after 7 PM.
77. In Israel, you could be prosecuted for picking your nose on Sunday.
78. In Sweden it is illegal to use the services of a prostitute. Prostitution is legal though.
79. In Thailand, it is illegal to leave your house without your underwear on.
80. In California, it is illegal to keep a child from playing in puddles of water.
81. In Oklahoma, it is illegal to molest an automobile.
82. In Germany, it is illegal to stop on an autobahn (expressway). It is also illegal to run out of gas on an autobahn.
83. In Turkey, it is illegal for a man above 80 yrs to become a pilot.
84. In Chicago, it is illegal for anyone to eat in a place that is on fire.
85. In Pennsylvania, it is illegal to sleep on top of a refrigerator outdoors.
86. In Eureka, Nevada, it is illegal for men with mustaches to kiss women.
87. In Ohio, it is against state law to get a fish drunk.
88. In Miami, Florida, it is illegal to skateboard in a police station.
89. In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on Sundays can be jailed.
90. In Texas, it is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.
91. In Boulder, Colorado, it is illegal to kill a bird within the city limit.
92. In Alabama, it is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while driving a vehicle.
93. In Ames, Iowa, it is illegal for men to have three sips of beer while they are in bed with their wives.
94. In Chico, California, the law states that anybody who detonates a nuclear device within the city limits is liable to a fine of $500.
95. In Tremonton, Utah, it is illegal for a woman to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance.
96. In British Columbia, it is illegal to kill a Sasquatch or Bigfoot if one is ever found.
97. In Lebanon, If a man is caught having sex with a male animal then the penalty is death- sex with a female animal is ok (o_O)
98. In Minnesota, it is against the law to hang male and female underwear together on the same washing line.
99. In Texas, It is illegal to sell one’s own eye.
100. In Kentucky, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon more than six-feet long.

Life – Quotes, Funny Words & Truths of Life

    1. Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
    2. One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
    3. You’ve never quite sure whether it’s ok to eat green crisps.
    4. Reading when you’re drunk is horrible.
    5. Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
    6. You’re never quite sure whether it’s against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
    7. Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
    8. Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.truth
    9. Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
    10. You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
    11. Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
    12. The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
    13. The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
    14. Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
    15. Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
    16. Old women with mobile phones look wrong!

 

  1. Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
  2. Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
  3. You never ever run out of salt.
  4. Old ladies can eat more than you think.
  5. You can’t respect a man who carries a dog.
  6. There’s no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you’ve got your hand or head stuck in something.
  7. No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
  8. People who don’t drive slam car doors too hard
  9. In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

Epic Fail